“I’ll keep being sweeter, but at my demise,
Call me people pleaser and damn if they’re right,
Damn it, they’re right”
- Kelsea Ballerini, People Pleaser
A couple months ago I volunteered to join the board of a local organization because I believe in their Mission. During our first meeting when assigning board roles, I heard myself say, “I can be treasurer!” I drove home thinking, It’s fine. I want to help. Fast-forward, and now I’m spending about 2 hours per week doing accounting and taking trips to the bank.
Then last month I agreed to drive to Warroad, a three-hour drive each way, for a 1.5 hour client meeting. Somewhere along Highway 92, I berated myself asking, Why did I say yes to this? Couldn’t I have just attended virtually?
Both moments were classic people-pleasing in action.
My people-pleasing is as if some part of me takes over, speaking and committing before the rational part of my brain can weigh in. I’ve learned that this part of me is trying to protect me from discomfort: from disappointing others and being perceived as unhelpful. People pleasers crave approval and struggle to say no, and sometimes it can be exhausting.
I’ve spent time trying to understand where my own pattern comes from. Most often, people pleasing is shaped by our environments, early experiences, and family roles. Oldest daughters (me!), in particular, are statistically and culturally more likely to develop these tendencies (bonus points if your mom and maternal grandma are also oldest daughters—we’re basically a dynasty of responsibility). There I go again, trying to win with bonus points! We oldest daughters tend to like rules, gold stars, and being the one who steps up. And society reinforces it by rewarding our helpfulness and discouraging us from being “difficult.”
At the beginning of this year, I set an intention to be more aware of my automatic yeses. And then last Friday Kelsea Ballerini released a new song called “People Pleaser,” which caused me to reflect on the two recent examples above and my lack of progress. Taylor Swift and Haley Williams also just recently put out songs about being the oldest daughter, so maybe it’s having a cultural moment.
My job as a consultant doesn’t exactly help. Pleasing clients is literally the main point of my day-to-day work. On the other hand, that motivation is also what makes me good at what I do. But if I can just pause long enough to check in with myself and notice how my body feels before I answer, I can soften that reflexive people-pleasing part of me and just get more balance.
When I think about people pleasing, it actually reminds me of how we manage lakes. A lake only stays healthy when there’s balance between inflows and outflows, nutrients, and plants. Too much of any one thing, even something “good,” can throw the whole system off. People pleasing is kind of the same. Giving, helping, and stepping up are strengths, but when they overwhelm the system we start to see the human equivalent of algae blooms: burnout, resentment, exhaustion.
Life is a journey of continued progress and self improvement. Getting familiar with our tendencies is the first step toward working on them. Cheers to doing better next year! In the meantime, check out my People Pleaser Playlist.
People Pleaser Playlist:
- People Pleaser, Kelsea Ballerini
- Eldest Daughter, Taylor Swift
- Kill Me, Haley Williams
- Take Care of Yourself, Maisie Peters
- Difficult, Gracie Abrams
- Everything I Wanted, Billie Eilish
- Favorite Daughter, Lorde
- Graveyard, Halsey
Moriya Rufer is a lake biologist with 20 years experience working with and loving lakes in northern Minnesota.
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