Best believe I’m still bejeweled
When I walk in the room
I can still make the whole place shimmer
- Taylor Swift, Bejeweled
I turn 49 in two days. Birthdays are always a time for a bit of reflection, especially at the end of a decade! The late 40s are an interesting time in life. I’ve always been a confident person, but I’ve still struggled with confidence in the professional world. Will I screw up on a project and lose my good reputation? Do people still want to work with me? These are questions in my head that I know are exaggerations but still things I worry about.
I think this fear is especially common for women. My mom is an expert in early childhood reading. She recently told me that up until her last day of work before retirement, she always felt like “someone” would walk in the classroom and realize she had no idea what she was doing and call her out.
I’ve been in the same career for 20 years, yet it takes a while to accept that I’m an expert. I don’t have to keep proving myself. No one is going to walk in and tell me I have no idea what I’m doing! Over the past couple years though, I have really improved in this aspect.
It finally felt real that “when I walk in the room, I can make the whole place shimmer” at conferences I attended in the past two weeks. I wasn’t nervous about anything. At the Rainy-Lake of the Woods Forum I knew most of the attendees and had great easy conversations. At the Red River Watershed Management Board conference I led a facilitated discussion about water supply and reuse with confidence. Even earlier this winter, at the Minnesota Lake Management Society symposium (after joining the board last year) I found myself sitting at the table with other board members and realizing: I truly belong here.
As I enter the later third of my career, I want to carry this confidence with me. When I think of the time I’ve spent curating my projects, connecting with colleagues, and participating in the Minnesota water resources community, it feels like a big web that I have woven. I’ve worked so hard carefully crafting my good reputation. I want to use it more and lose the insecurity that I don’t belong.
And maybe part of that next step is paying it forward. I feel a pull to help the next generation of young professionals build confidence and feel like they truly belong. When I was a grad student, conferences could feel overwhelming, like walking into a room where everyone else already knew each other. But my advisor never let me fade into the background. He would bring me along, introduce me to colleagues, and gently pull me into conversations so I was never left standing on the edges. That simple act of being welcomed in made all the difference. It’s a feeling that stays with you, and one I hope to pass on.
Those that work with me are likely unaware of my insecurity. I’m a big believer in “fake it ’til you make it,” and showing confidence even when I don’t fully feel it. But lately, something has shifted.
I don’t want to fake it anymore, I want to believe it. I’ve put in the work. I’ve built the relationships. I’ve earned my place. It’s time to trust that, and maybe even more importantly, to enjoy it.
Moriya Rufer is a lake biologist with 20 years experience working with and loving lakes in northern Minnesota.
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